Little Women

If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you really are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind: Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you. I so wish I could give my girls a more just world. But I know you’ll make it a better place." -- Marmee, Little Women”

― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Little Women. Is my all time favorite movie. It comforts me when I am sick, feeling sad or reminiscent of my childhood. I grew up with my mother watching all sorts of "old fashioned" shows like anne of green gables, little house on the praire, and little women. I have been thinking a lot about growing up, what we deem as most important. Life is hard, short, full of experiences that test, tear me down, make me grow, and make me more understanding and compassionate towards others, less judgemental and make me want to enjoy life to the fullest (WANT to) I find it hard to control my temper, anxiety and the constant daily pain I am in. But that is what makes me realize how important our relationships are, important to not just look at a person and the choices they make, the statements they make, or how they look. There is so much to every human being that makes them up that we will never understand. We can never walk in someone else's shoes and will never full understand why they are the way they are. I know all too well how body image can affect how one interacts with others and treats oneself. After having a (colicky) child, an insanely hard recovery and health issues I have realized that generalization statements are just that. A generalization and no one knows why people do the things they do or don't do. I know that as time goes on I will not look the same and I should enjoy my body, take care of it as much as I can. I have felt very depressed about my after-child body that gained excessive amounts while pregnant and I have yet to lose. I have been having health issues ever since she was born and have changed a lot and my dear husband has been there for me through it all. I don't love other's because they are perfect looking, I love my family and friends because of the time I have spent with them. The time they have spent WITH me, helping me, bearing me up, and just being there to listen to me vent (and I can talk A LOT). Life is hard and who we are on the inside is what really matters. I really wish that young women would understand this and I really hope that I raise Capri to recognize that she is beautiful inside and out and that as time goes on her importance as a person and capability to touch others will not diminish but grow as she learns to love others no matter their outward appearance or any physical disabilities. I grew up with a mother that had one arm and raised 3 children and did a wonderful and absolutely amazing job. It was not until I was a mother of a newborn baby that I even stopped to think about how hard that would be. She could change my daughters diapers, clothe her, feed her, make bottles and I barely felt like I had the two hands to do the job. I asked her how she did it all, I watched her change my daughters diaper and still do not understand how she could do it better than I did. I never noticed growing up, she didn't complain and didn't make it stop her. I have realized we ALL have something. It may not be apparent, visible to others but it doesn't make it any less of a trial or problem.

Rantings-

With all the posts about the recent Supreme Court decision, I know it's a bit redundant but I think if I write down my thoughts it will help me. I graduated in Social Work and in college we had a lot of different classes and we watched documentaries and talked about LGBT and their rights and how they feel, experiences they have had, generalities etc. So I have always been pretty open and accepting with how other's choose to live this lifestyle. I understood that if I were to work for some adoption agencies, or in some states that I would have to be okay with placing children in LGBT families. Being a Christian I believe in the bible and that marriage should be between one man and one woman. I also believe that to be Christlike or like our father in Heaven that we let have to let other's make choices and mistakes in life. (Making everyone be perfect and do exactly what we want was Satan's plan, we know that. We wanted free agency) We learn from our experiences and Heavenly Father is there to listen and guide, however he lets us choose what we will. He does not force us to live a certain way or be perfect. We all sin, some sins may be more apparent to others, but some of the sins we hide no one would know about. And you can appear to be perfect when in reality you may be doing horrible things. Anyways, those are my religious beliefs. I understand that, and I don't fully understand the consequences that would arise from having Marriage be legal between gay's and lesbians. I don't know what effect it may or may not have to other types of relationships, or how it will affect our society etc. I know that there are many people who struggle and it is hard to stay a member of the LDS religion or any other religion that has the same views on marriage etc. To be a member we are asking them to stay celibate and alone for this entire life. I have always said that I think they should be treated fairly, they should have the same rights that a heterosexual couple has etc. So I always supported Civil Unions hoping that maybe that was a compromise that would work. However, the LGBT's want to be considered normal, a part of society and not be bullied or harassed for the way they choose to live their lives. It can have detrimental effects and suicide rates are high for the LGBT community. I was bullied a lot as a child due to living in the south and being LDS. It's very hard for anyone to go through middle school, high school and life being different. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. I have always said I'm Switzerland when it comes to Gay Marriage. I guess that's not really a good thing...but in any case I'm so glad I'm not the one making these decisions. I am happy that other's are happy. I want the gays and everyone else to know that I love them and do not judge them for their decisions in their life. If it does not affect me or my life I don't see why I should care. If I still have my religious freedom that to me is what is important in all of this. And if I had a child or a close family member who was gay I'm sure I would struggle even more. So all in all, I don't even know where I stand or what I think is the right thing. I think that everyone deserves to be happy and accepted. So all in all you can tell I have no idea how to explain what I think. Ha -

So many things already affect me and I get too wrapped up in being an advocate for other's or trying to "fix" everything. I want everyone to be happy, loved, safe etc. I have such anxiety about other's lives already, and that it is hard for me and I am trying desperately to distance myself when I can't fix a problem. I think it's a hereditary trait as my whole family is always wanting to advocate for what we believe to be right and want to help other's. My mother is the best advocate for other's that I know, she loves and cares deeply. My Dad worked for YEARS trying to help other's get their money back from a scam he had absolutely nothing to do with, and did it all and didn't ask for anything. My brother's always want what is right, and my older brother was even on the news recently about the Prison relocation and was advocating and speaking to the council to try to make changes. We are a passionate family, growing up with each other we had a lot of fights and have had to learn how to get along as we are all "always right". That can get difficult when in reality I AM the only right one 100% of the time. Haha. We have had a lot of trials and so have my extended family members, and I know I could go to them even if I haven't talked to them in a long time. We are family and that runs deep no matter what choices they may make, or what fights we have had etc. Family will always be there. I'm so grateful that my parents are so amazingly giving and I have learned SO much about how things are not what matter's in life, and giving and helping other's is so much more rewarding and lasting. Sometimes advocating for other's has gotten me in trouble; I made mistakes in how I dealt with things. I often wish I could go back and change how I dealt with so many things in life but I have learned from each experience and understand even more of how to deal with things. If I can look at it as mistakes are good that I feel better and ready to face the future. 

On a bright note, Capri is absolutely a doll. She is so much fun to be with and say's and does the most adorable things. She is sweet and caring. She is so extremely smart and understands things I say and then repeats them and surprises me everyday with things she does or says. She is ultra sensitive AND stubborn. Very hard combination. Lol. She has been sick a lot since birth, or having really bad days due to her milk allergy and not sleeping much since the DAY she was born, that sometimes I feel as though I might faint over dead. lol. Capri's imagination is unbelievable and I love playing with her. She knows how to get my attention: closing my computer when I'm working, or sweetly saying "will you please come play with me mommy?" She loves friends and adventure and Chocolate!
She asked me to play my guitar last night and I was flipping through a songbook that had beautiful pictures of Jesus and she says "Look mom! It's my friend Jesus!" I said oh he's your friend and she said "yeah best friends, I love him soo much!" She is so sweet and seriously teaches me so much. I love being her mother and I can't believe I get to raise such an intelligent loving and empathic little girl. She has so much empathy and wants everyone to be happy.