My Valentines Gift and You are my Sunshine

I love my family- I sang the sunshine song, and Jeremy and Capri made the other song (along with a few others he wont let me share) for Valentines day this year. I love it so much. Our family has been through a lot the past couple of years, and every time we think that life has calmed down...it picks right back up. We have learned a lot, grown and cried a lot. I know that we are better people for what we have been through, but it has been a long road. I want to blog about some of the experiences I have had, things I have learned that I wish I would have either known, or known someone who I could talk to who would understand. I have been hanging on by a thread and my beautiful baby girl and her amazing sweet and stubborn and very intelligent soul has helped me to keep going. My husband has been amazing, staying by my side and supporting me, and ultimately we are closer than ever. I still have many things to learn, and still feel like I am in the depths of despair most of the time. But there are moments I cling to that I can actually feel joy and love. I love how much Jeremy and Capri do for me, and how much joy and what Capri teaches us. Jeremy has been a great strength and support and has been a better father than I could ever imagine. He really is so amazing with Capri and has such a special bond with her. It's so heartwarming and amazing to see the love and joy those two bring to our home. The love of adventure runs deep in all of us and having a three year old who wants happiness and love and reminds us daily its quite amazing. I have so much love for these two, and I am finally starting to do some of the things that I used to do and love all the time. Like singing. I have loved singing my entire life, I don't know how good I am anymore (bit out of practice) but I still enjoy it and feel such calm and love music and lyrics. I often feel as though God is helping me through music and different songs at times.
Well here is a start, my most valuable valentines gift I have ever received. I put the pictures to the music today. I have been wanting to share the song but didn't know how and figured this was a fun way. sorry the quality is so horrible it wouldn't let me have it any better on the blog.

Don't go in the street!

Little Women

If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you really are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind: Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you. I so wish I could give my girls a more just world. But I know you’ll make it a better place." -- Marmee, Little Women”

― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Little Women. Is my all time favorite movie. It comforts me when I am sick, feeling sad or reminiscent of my childhood. I grew up with my mother watching all sorts of "old fashioned" shows like anne of green gables, little house on the praire, and little women. I have been thinking a lot about growing up, what we deem as most important. Life is hard, short, full of experiences that test, tear me down, make me grow, and make me more understanding and compassionate towards others, less judgemental and make me want to enjoy life to the fullest (WANT to) I find it hard to control my temper, anxiety and the constant daily pain I am in. But that is what makes me realize how important our relationships are, important to not just look at a person and the choices they make, the statements they make, or how they look. There is so much to every human being that makes them up that we will never understand. We can never walk in someone else's shoes and will never full understand why they are the way they are. I know all too well how body image can affect how one interacts with others and treats oneself. After having a (colicky) child, an insanely hard recovery and health issues I have realized that generalization statements are just that. A generalization and no one knows why people do the things they do or don't do. I know that as time goes on I will not look the same and I should enjoy my body, take care of it as much as I can. I have felt very depressed about my after-child body that gained excessive amounts while pregnant and I have yet to lose. I have been having health issues ever since she was born and have changed a lot and my dear husband has been there for me through it all. I don't love other's because they are perfect looking, I love my family and friends because of the time I have spent with them. The time they have spent WITH me, helping me, bearing me up, and just being there to listen to me vent (and I can talk A LOT). Life is hard and who we are on the inside is what really matters. I really wish that young women would understand this and I really hope that I raise Capri to recognize that she is beautiful inside and out and that as time goes on her importance as a person and capability to touch others will not diminish but grow as she learns to love others no matter their outward appearance or any physical disabilities. I grew up with a mother that had one arm and raised 3 children and did a wonderful and absolutely amazing job. It was not until I was a mother of a newborn baby that I even stopped to think about how hard that would be. She could change my daughters diapers, clothe her, feed her, make bottles and I barely felt like I had the two hands to do the job. I asked her how she did it all, I watched her change my daughters diaper and still do not understand how she could do it better than I did. I never noticed growing up, she didn't complain and didn't make it stop her. I have realized we ALL have something. It may not be apparent, visible to others but it doesn't make it any less of a trial or problem.

Rantings-

With all the posts about the recent Supreme Court decision, I know it's a bit redundant but I think if I write down my thoughts it will help me. I graduated in Social Work and in college we had a lot of different classes and we watched documentaries and talked about LGBT and their rights and how they feel, experiences they have had, generalities etc. So I have always been pretty open and accepting with how other's choose to live this lifestyle. I understood that if I were to work for some adoption agencies, or in some states that I would have to be okay with placing children in LGBT families. Being a Christian I believe in the bible and that marriage should be between one man and one woman. I also believe that to be Christlike or like our father in Heaven that we let have to let other's make choices and mistakes in life. (Making everyone be perfect and do exactly what we want was Satan's plan, we know that. We wanted free agency) We learn from our experiences and Heavenly Father is there to listen and guide, however he lets us choose what we will. He does not force us to live a certain way or be perfect. We all sin, some sins may be more apparent to others, but some of the sins we hide no one would know about. And you can appear to be perfect when in reality you may be doing horrible things. Anyways, those are my religious beliefs. I understand that, and I don't fully understand the consequences that would arise from having Marriage be legal between gay's and lesbians. I don't know what effect it may or may not have to other types of relationships, or how it will affect our society etc. I know that there are many people who struggle and it is hard to stay a member of the LDS religion or any other religion that has the same views on marriage etc. To be a member we are asking them to stay celibate and alone for this entire life. I have always said that I think they should be treated fairly, they should have the same rights that a heterosexual couple has etc. So I always supported Civil Unions hoping that maybe that was a compromise that would work. However, the LGBT's want to be considered normal, a part of society and not be bullied or harassed for the way they choose to live their lives. It can have detrimental effects and suicide rates are high for the LGBT community. I was bullied a lot as a child due to living in the south and being LDS. It's very hard for anyone to go through middle school, high school and life being different. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. I have always said I'm Switzerland when it comes to Gay Marriage. I guess that's not really a good thing...but in any case I'm so glad I'm not the one making these decisions. I am happy that other's are happy. I want the gays and everyone else to know that I love them and do not judge them for their decisions in their life. If it does not affect me or my life I don't see why I should care. If I still have my religious freedom that to me is what is important in all of this. And if I had a child or a close family member who was gay I'm sure I would struggle even more. So all in all, I don't even know where I stand or what I think is the right thing. I think that everyone deserves to be happy and accepted. So all in all you can tell I have no idea how to explain what I think. Ha -

So many things already affect me and I get too wrapped up in being an advocate for other's or trying to "fix" everything. I want everyone to be happy, loved, safe etc. I have such anxiety about other's lives already, and that it is hard for me and I am trying desperately to distance myself when I can't fix a problem. I think it's a hereditary trait as my whole family is always wanting to advocate for what we believe to be right and want to help other's. My mother is the best advocate for other's that I know, she loves and cares deeply. My Dad worked for YEARS trying to help other's get their money back from a scam he had absolutely nothing to do with, and did it all and didn't ask for anything. My brother's always want what is right, and my older brother was even on the news recently about the Prison relocation and was advocating and speaking to the council to try to make changes. We are a passionate family, growing up with each other we had a lot of fights and have had to learn how to get along as we are all "always right". That can get difficult when in reality I AM the only right one 100% of the time. Haha. We have had a lot of trials and so have my extended family members, and I know I could go to them even if I haven't talked to them in a long time. We are family and that runs deep no matter what choices they may make, or what fights we have had etc. Family will always be there. I'm so grateful that my parents are so amazingly giving and I have learned SO much about how things are not what matter's in life, and giving and helping other's is so much more rewarding and lasting. Sometimes advocating for other's has gotten me in trouble; I made mistakes in how I dealt with things. I often wish I could go back and change how I dealt with so many things in life but I have learned from each experience and understand even more of how to deal with things. If I can look at it as mistakes are good that I feel better and ready to face the future. 

On a bright note, Capri is absolutely a doll. She is so much fun to be with and say's and does the most adorable things. She is sweet and caring. She is so extremely smart and understands things I say and then repeats them and surprises me everyday with things she does or says. She is ultra sensitive AND stubborn. Very hard combination. Lol. She has been sick a lot since birth, or having really bad days due to her milk allergy and not sleeping much since the DAY she was born, that sometimes I feel as though I might faint over dead. lol. Capri's imagination is unbelievable and I love playing with her. She knows how to get my attention: closing my computer when I'm working, or sweetly saying "will you please come play with me mommy?" She loves friends and adventure and Chocolate!
She asked me to play my guitar last night and I was flipping through a songbook that had beautiful pictures of Jesus and she says "Look mom! It's my friend Jesus!" I said oh he's your friend and she said "yeah best friends, I love him soo much!" She is so sweet and seriously teaches me so much. I love being her mother and I can't believe I get to raise such an intelligent loving and empathic little girl. She has so much empathy and wants everyone to be happy. 

Capri is TWO YEAR OLD!

Capri is TWO years old today. I can't believe it and I am so happy she came to our family. She is so sweet and empathetic, stubborn, smart and just plain adorable!
She has been sick for about a week and a half with a low grade fever, lots of throwing up and not eating much. We've taken her to the doctor several times and now I'm sure she has an ear ache as she is screaming bloody murder and saying her ear hurts and holding it. But the doctors office won't prescribe and antibiotic until they see her again because as the nurse said (Who obviously did NOT look up her chart) to see if "your story is true or not" Ugh. I hate doctors and the control they have over stuff like this, I get that we don't want to overuse antibiotics but a week and a half of not keeping foods or liquids down, sleeping even less than normal and her fever thats constantly been 100-101. I'm not happy. Oh man tangent here....but it brings me to about two days ago when Capri was crying and sick and we were in her bed to try to take a nap and she looked at me and said "prayer mom, prayer" she took my hands together and said it again "prayer mom, prayer". She folded her arms and bowed her head while we said a prayer for her to get feeling better. She will say prayers over her meals, and at random times throughout the day. It's absolutely adorable and I know she came from Heaven. I have felt like a bad mom because I don't always set the best example of praying before every meal, but she has been helping to remind me that its important. She loves animals, making all of the different noises they make, she especially loves ssssssssss for snake and spider.
When Capri wants attention she says "miss you, miss you, hugga me, hugga me" It makes trying to work pretty hard but its super adorable. She has also been asking me to "fix it, fix it" since she is sick and has been good while we give her tylenol, I've only been giving one dose at night if she wont sleep but she takes it like a champ most of the time. She has been excited that it is her Birthday today even though shes been screaming half of it. She loves to pose for the camera, she says hi and thank you to everyone she sees at the grocery store. It's adorable. She loves to help clean up the kitchen counters, or "help" when we vacuum. Well I will write more later as she needs some help and is in my face. LOL

"Love you much mama"

"Love you much mama" words I can't even begin to express how wonderfully happy they made me. I always dreamed of being a mother, I wanted to be the best mother in the world. My world was rocked however when Capri was born. I did not feel like a good mother at all. Why couldn't I tell what she wanted? I had no idea the whole "different screams for different things" it was one scream. Loud, very loud and it was often. I have learned so much in the almost two years being Capri's mother. I have learned that you do what you have to as a parent to survive. Survival. It's something Jeremy and I had to dig and dig and try to figure out through the first six months of Capri's life and on. She screamed for hours, we went to doctor after doctor appointment, tried different techniques, driving, not driving, music, no music, tv, no tv, lights on, lights off, white noise, no white noise, a lovey, countless binkies (all of which were gagged right out of Capri's mouth), special soaps, lavender smells in the room, night lights, no night lights. And feeding her, oh man is that a whole long list in and of itself, and to this day is still a battle.
Capri has taught me so much more than I ever thought I'd learn from being her mom. She loves to laugh and play. She is so sweet to animals and because of her we got a bunny and a big fish tank and go to the petting zoo often. One of my favorite things that she has been doing lately is praying over her food. Which consists of her closing her eyes, folding her arms and saying "Heavnly father, AMEN!" and she does it at night before she goes to sleep as well. I always felt like I wasn't teaching her well because I did not force her to pray with us during meals or at night, just had her watch. She also really loves the game "Your CUTE" and it's a really fun little banter telling each other the other one is cute. She is so fun to watch when she face times her grammy and papa and her uncle cliff. One time when Cliff was face-timing probably back in November she would put the phone in her pretend kitchen microwave and "cook" Cliff as he screamed for fun on the phone, she would put the phone in the sink and pretend to be spraying water all over him as well. She has such a fun personality I honestly can't believe it. She will randomly sing "twinkle twinkle, star, up above world high, diamond sky" I love it so much! She loves music when she is awake...when she wants to go to sleep she will yell "stop" and put her hand up. She always screamed louder when she was an infant if I tried to sing her to sleep. Instead I was constantly "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSHHHHHHHing" her. The other day at the store a little baby was crying pretty hysterically and from an aisle over Capri started "shhhhsshhhhing" and saying "baby crying? shhhssshhhhh". I have never seen a more grateful little sick kid, she will say "kissame" and I will kiss her head, arm, hand etc. anything that she either bonked or if her head hurts etc and she will say "thank you mama" It killsss me its so cute. She is so gracious and also when she burps she laughs holds her hand to her mouth and says "excusame" She is so bright and independent. She still passes out when she gets upset, but most of the time it happens if she has been sick. She still does not sleep many hours and I don't think she ever will. I have learned that you cannot make someone do anything. Especially sleep. If she isn't going to sleep no amount of rocking, shhhsssshing, dark room etc  will put her to sleep. On the bright side we have had a lot of fun memories late at night. She loves to be hugged and will say "hugga me" when she wants to be picked up. I am so in love with this toddler stage it's crazy. I love that I get to spend so much time with her while she is young. It can get tough working with her around as she knows how to get right in my face and tell me what she wants or that she wants me to "hang up, hang up" Or she comes and tries to close my computer while I am working. She was so much fun in Hawaii for Christmas and I was so proud of how well she handled the travel time. She loves to color, play with playdough which she calls "mino" (I have no idea why but she started calling it that very young and it has stuck. Her favorite show is Doc McStuffin's and she loves to "check ears" "check eyes" and then say "all better". When people come to visit us at come she yells "come on in!" and proceeds to show them whatever toy she is especially attached to, or show them her bunny or her fishes. She loves her daddy and they love to eat "colds" (otter pops) together. This morning she heard me talking about how my back was hurting (I threw it out over a week ago and it has been hurting me ever since. Back pain sucks) and she said "back hurting? kiss it"" and proceeded to kiss my shoulder. She has such a kind heart and wants everyone to be her friend. She can switch between apps, turn on my phone, the ipad and play lots of games on them. She also loves books and will bring me book after book to read to her. I was so worried when she was younger because she wouldn't sit still while I read a book, but now she loves it and will ask me to read her books multiple times a day. Which has in turn sent me to thrift stores and DI to try and find more books because I get bored reading the same ones over and over.
Jeremy continues to be super busy in grad school and I am looking forward to the summer when he will not have as much and he can come to Utah with me when I go to work. We love our little girl and I could go on and on with all of the adorable things that she does. And yes I should be doing paperwork but I decided to blog about my little princess instead.

Christmas in Hawaii

Our little family in Paradise

I absolutely LOVED our vacation to Hawaii. My dad paid for everyone and was so amazing to all of us the entire trip. Making sure we all did things we enjoyed and just making it happen. I will forever be grateful to him for the wonderful memories that we made there. We were able to play in the water, we had an amazing condo, a view of the ocean, a pool to play in and everything. It was so amazing. Jeremy and I were able to go scuba diving and we saw a lot of big turtles, and a shark. Capri LOVED playing "water games" and would ask first thing to go. She was very good on the flight to and back from Hawaii. I was really worried about all of the travel time but she did AMAZING. I was so proud of her. She loved making sand castles, looking for Shells and chasing the waves in the ocean with her daddy. Santa came to the pool at our condo on Christmas day and Capri was absolutely adorable yet still a little standoffish toward him. hahaha- we all loved the joke that Santa made his last stop in Hawaii and was taking his vacation here. The thing I miss most about living in Hawaii was the night sky with the moon reflecting on the ocean at night. Listening to the waves crash. It's the most soothing sound. I don't know anything more beautiful than the night sky in Hawaii.
We went deep sea fishing, shopped, went to flea markets, to an AMAZING restaurant that Cliff found on Yelp. Apparently that is all the rage when finding amazing restaurants. Cliff and my parents went to the top on the mountain driving and my mom about had a heart attack and Greg biked from the bottom to the top and back down again in a day. He's CRAZY but very fit. All in all it was amazing...even though the flight home we were all SUPER tired and a bit ornery. Who wouldn't be leaving paradise? LOL